"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Bush And Torture

The Bush administration thinks it's okay for us to torture people. I have to admit at first this struck me as a bad idea. How could "defending our values" -- by what appears on the surface to be ignoring them -- be a good idea? It seemed to be a classic case of "stooping to their level." But the more I've thought about it the more I have to admit I kind of like the idea now.

One of the first things my mama ever taught me is that the world is full of bad people. This whole "war on terror" sure proved that, huh? In fact, there's one guy in particular that I'd really like to put the screws to. I imagine strapping him to a board, tying a towel around his mouth, then tipping him backwards and pouring water onto his face. As he was forced to breath the liquid into his lungs, I'd ask him if he just made that whole weapons-of-mass-destruction thing up in order to justify a war he'd been looking for ever since he took office. I'd also ask why he lied about those supposed ties between Al Qaeda and Saddam. As he screamed in terror and begged for his life, I'd make him admit that turning our allies against us, plunging us into trillions of dollars of debt and causing the deaths of over 100,000 people, all while putting our country at an even greater risk of terrorist attack might possibly have been a mistake.

Then I'd throw him in a giant freezer and wait for his system to go into shock. Though I probably wouldn't be able to understand him because he'd be shaking so violently and his diminished brain function would render him practically unintelligible, I'd ask why he keeps giving tax breaks to all of his rich buddies while the people who put him in office, the poor and middle class, keep taking it up the ass.

Oh, oh, oh! That gives me a great idea for what I'd do to him next.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

What I Want

I want to lie my head on the breast of a naked woman and have her tell me that everything is going to be okay. I want to look up into her eyes and believe that I can become what she already believes me to be. I want to hear the story of her life and see where she lives and meet her friends. I want to close my eyes and fall backwards into her world, to lose myself between her legs, to find meaning in her smile and the sound of her voice. I want her happiness to be my own. I want to open doors, pay compliments, buy flowers, celebrate the first kiss and dream of those to come. I want to be a good man, to protect and comfort, to be strong when strength is needed and gentle when it is not. I want to hide nothing, to share everything, to promise the world, and mean it all. I want to make her laugh. I want to fall in love -- crazy, lost-in-a-kiss, irrational love -- one last time. I want to defy my fear and offer my half-healed heart to the love of my life.

But first, of course, I want to meet her.

Friday, September 22, 2006

I Want To Sleep With Julia Roberts' Daughter

I have hip friends who hate Julia Roberts. They make fun of her and say she has no talent. So I'm kinda embarrassed that I like her. Actually, I like her a lot. And just like people sometimes say to me that they think we could be friends based on things I've talked about in my shows, I think Julia and I could be friends based on the way she acts in her movies. But of course she'd never have anything to do with me 'cause I'm so damn unhip.

For some reason that reminds me of something that happened the other day. I was downtown and I walked past a woman in her 40s who was talking to a woman I assumed to be her daughter who was in her early 20s. The older woman glanced at me in a semi checking-me-out kind of way, at the exact same instant I was checking out her daughter. This struck me as being sad, pathetic and natural all at the same time.

A woman who may have been vaguely interested in me was stung by my apparent preference for her daughter over her, and I was interested in a woman who would have been repulsed if she had known that I was attracted to her. And it's all as natural as birth and death. And just as painful.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Monday, September 11, 2006

Day 98: You Are What You Own

Episode Five of "Rick Reynolds Gets Happy"

Rick Reynolds Gets Happy video podcastRick gives us a tour of his awesome pad and shows us a bunch of neat stuff that he collects in order to mask his debilitating loneliness and despair. "Reynolds is a national treasure" -- Tim McDonalson, President, American Self-Storage Association

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Monday, September 04, 2006

Day 91: Shut Up And Don't Eat

Episode Four of "Rick Reynolds Gets Happy"

Rick Reynolds Gets Happy video podcastRick visits his nutritionist, Dr. Mom, who tells him to eat his vegetables, cut out the sweets, and keep his elbows off the table. "The feel-good hit of the summer!" -- The New England Journal Of Preventive Medicine

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