"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."


Monday, May 22, 2006

That's Entertainment!

I haven’t written anything for this blog in awhile because I’ve been really depressed. I think most people can trace their depressions to specific events in their lives –- the death of a loved one, breaking up with a lover, being caught diddling themselves in church (trust me, the less times you have to say, “Forgive me, Father, for I am masturbating,” the better.)

Unfortunately, I can get depressed for no reason whatsoever. One minute I’ll be sitting down to a delicious meal of pecan pie, Oreo Double Stuffs, and chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, and the next minute I’ll be woe-is-meing it on the couch, watching some horrible titty movie on Showtime.

By the way, can anybody out there tell me why softcore porn movies have story lines? Does anybody watch these things for anything other than the sex scenes? Really, if you find yourself caught up in the plot of “Naughty Cheerleaders,” you’ve got some serious problems. Also, there’s nothing more frustrating than having an orgasm ruined by a sudden cut from a scene in which two coeds are caressing each other in the shower to a scene in which no coeds are caressing each other in the shower.

In fact, if you really want to give people what they want (and by “people” I mean horny bastards like me), make a movie called “Showering Coeds” –- a parade of sexy girls lathering up in some college dormitory shower.

Now that makes me happy.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

True Comic Confessions, Part II

Video clip: "The Prison Gig"
(From "All Grown Up and No Place to Go")

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

A Bit of the Old Ultraviolet

I’ve never been good looking. When I was a kid, I had thick glasses which made me look like a dork. In high school I got contact lenses, but about the same time, broke out in really bad acne. After college, my acne started to go away, but so did my hair. I later had a series of hair transplants, but gained about 40 pounds over the course of the treatments. In other words, I’ve never had one good year. Not one year in which I looked kind of handsome.

I fretted most over my looks in high school. My acne was so bad back then, I wouldn’t even look in a mirror –- except to engage in the time-honored tradition of zit popping. If zit popping and masturbation were Olympic events, I would have become the new Tarzan.

This is all a very long-winded way of telling you that the sun has finally arrived in northern California, and that I’m loving it. I’ve had this love affair with the sun ever since I discovered that it had the power to bake away my acne. Lying along the shores of the Sandy River, I could actually feel the intense heat shrinking the pimples that dotted my face.

Today I still love lying in the sun –- and I do so without using any sunscreen. To those of you who would say I’m in danger of developing skin cancer, I say, “Get off my face!!”

Unless, of course, you are an attractive woman, and then, by all means, welcome.