"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Friday, September 22, 2006

I Want To Sleep With Julia Roberts' Daughter

I have hip friends who hate Julia Roberts. They make fun of her and say she has no talent. So I'm kinda embarrassed that I like her. Actually, I like her a lot. And just like people sometimes say to me that they think we could be friends based on things I've talked about in my shows, I think Julia and I could be friends based on the way she acts in her movies. But of course she'd never have anything to do with me 'cause I'm so damn unhip.

For some reason that reminds me of something that happened the other day. I was downtown and I walked past a woman in her 40s who was talking to a woman I assumed to be her daughter who was in her early 20s. The older woman glanced at me in a semi checking-me-out kind of way, at the exact same instant I was checking out her daughter. This struck me as being sad, pathetic and natural all at the same time.

A woman who may have been vaguely interested in me was stung by my apparent preference for her daughter over her, and I was interested in a woman who would have been repulsed if she had known that I was attracted to her. And it's all as natural as birth and death. And just as painful.