"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Bush And Torture

The Bush administration thinks it's okay for us to torture people. I have to admit at first this struck me as a bad idea. How could "defending our values" -- by what appears on the surface to be ignoring them -- be a good idea? It seemed to be a classic case of "stooping to their level." But the more I've thought about it the more I have to admit I kind of like the idea now.

One of the first things my mama ever taught me is that the world is full of bad people. This whole "war on terror" sure proved that, huh? In fact, there's one guy in particular that I'd really like to put the screws to. I imagine strapping him to a board, tying a towel around his mouth, then tipping him backwards and pouring water onto his face. As he was forced to breath the liquid into his lungs, I'd ask him if he just made that whole weapons-of-mass-destruction thing up in order to justify a war he'd been looking for ever since he took office. I'd also ask why he lied about those supposed ties between Al Qaeda and Saddam. As he screamed in terror and begged for his life, I'd make him admit that turning our allies against us, plunging us into trillions of dollars of debt and causing the deaths of over 100,000 people, all while putting our country at an even greater risk of terrorist attack might possibly have been a mistake.

Then I'd throw him in a giant freezer and wait for his system to go into shock. Though I probably wouldn't be able to understand him because he'd be shaking so violently and his diminished brain function would render him practically unintelligible, I'd ask why he keeps giving tax breaks to all of his rich buddies while the people who put him in office, the poor and middle class, keep taking it up the ass.

Oh, oh, oh! That gives me a great idea for what I'd do to him next.