"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Sunday, August 20, 2006

Day 76: Fat Lazy Bastard

Somebody left a comment for me the other day about my daily schedule. He thought it would be better if I moved my "work" -- my career-oriented tasks -- to some time earlier in the day. His thinking was that if I put the hardest stuff off until last it might never get done. And I agree with him. That's a definite possibility. Which is precisely why I've scheduled exercise, yoga, Tai Chi and meditation first.

These are all things that for some reason I can do in a class setting, but when it comes to doing them at home by myself I'm completely lost. I'll be sitting there in front of my TV and think, "Hey, why don't I get down and do some sit-ups or push-ups while I'm watching?" But here's the interesting thing: I'll like the idea of doing some exercises; I'll know it would be good for me if I did some; I'll know I would feel better about myself if I did some; I'll even know it would make me happier both now and in the future if I did some -- but I won't do any.

My theory is that this has something to do with not wanting to fail. The best way to not fail is to not try. It also has a lot to do with inertia. I've been this way for as long as I can remember. The grooves I've worn in the record of my life are so deep it's hard for me to crawl out of them. And it has to do with not believing in myself, which can be traced back to an even bigger problem -- not loving myself.

And, of course, it has a lot to do with being a fat, lazy bastard.