"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Day 72: Love Thyself

For years now my best friend Dave has been telling me that part of my problem is that I don't love myself. I could never agree or disagree with this evaluation because, in a very real sense, I had no idea what he was talking about. How could a person love themselves? (Insert your own masturbation joke here.) Seriously, though, the concept of self-love made absolutely no sense to me.

Recently, however, Dave said something I did understand -- that I treat those I do love better than I treat myself. That's certainly true. And from this small insight I've begun to have a vague inkling of what he's talking about. And for me it boils down to this: I don't feel lovable.

I never felt loved as a child. And if I was it wasn't expressed in any conventional way. In fact, the only times I can remember an adult family member even touching me when I was growing up was to beat me. The women I have loved, with the exception of one, have been fairly cold and unaffectionate. I've also convinced myself that that one exception was so emotionally needy she would have loved anybody.

Cut to today. A lonely man, trapped in the suburbs, feeling unloved -- even by himself, sits and writes a blog about his growing awareness of his unlovability. Pathetic, huh? I agree. In fact, the more I think about it the more I really hate that guy.