"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Saturday, August 12, 2006

Day 68: Friendship

I'm too lazy to write an article today, so instead I'll post this letter I just emailed to my old friend Lizz Winstead, who, among other things, created The Daily Show. Lizz and I were very good friends for years and then lost touch until just recently. My rational for printing the letter here is to give you an insight into who I am. As they say, you can tell a lot about a person by how they treat their friends.


I can't tell you how happy I was to talk to you the other day. How could such good friends let so many years pass by without staying in touch? I blame you, of course. You were so busy championing your left-wing pinko causes you didn't have time for friendship. How many times did one of your assistants tell you I'd called, only to have you say, "My time is too important to waste on the likes of that nobody,"? Now that you're down in the gutter, though, a washed-up has-been whose vagina is drying up even faster than her career, you throw me this bone. Well you know what? I'm not too proud to take it. Yes, I'll take it. And I'll caress it and stroke it and fondle it until it's engorged with that same affection we once felt for each other. Because that, my selfish, celibate slut, is what friends do.

yours in Christ,