"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Day 66: The Burrito Exercise Program

There are few things in life more embarrassing than accidentally farting in front of somebody you don't know very well. I did this the other day during one of my sessions with my personal trainer, Sandra. I was doing crunches and out came a tiny pooter -- just loud enough to bring a little color to my cheeks (the ones on my face). She ignored it, of course, and we just kept going.

Well, I just got back from another session today, where something interesting happened. For some reason I had really bad gas, which kept wanting to come out every time I'd exert myself. So I found myself clenching my buttocks and stomach muscles all the time. Which, as it turns out, is something I'm not only supposed to be doing anyway (it's called "working from your core"), but it's something I've always had a lot of trouble thinking about during my workout.

Which brings me to my new revolutionary workout idea -- the "Burrito Exercise Program." It's pretty simple, really. You just eat a large bean burrito an hour before working out. If you don't work with a trainer, go to the gym, or anywhere there are people within earshot. If you workout outside, make sure you're upwind from somebody.

And then let your God-given sense of shame work those core muscles until you're the lean, mean machine you've always wanted to be.