"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Day 61: State Of Grace

Driving back from my Tai Chi lesson today, I suddenly realized what it is that so attracts me to this deceptively simple discipline -- grace. I want to look graceful, to feel graceful, and eventually to actually be graceful. For most of my adult life I've felt kind of big and awkward. And when I watch myself practicing Tai Chi in the mirror, I realize that I look even more awkward than I feel. Often, the word "lummox" comes to mind.

Even harder than the whole grace thing, though, is -- and yes, I know I've talked about this before -- somehow changing who I am. See, I'm the guy who makes fun of this kind of shit. I ridicule guys walking into the gym clutching their yoga mats. I taunt Tai Chi teachers -- criticize calorie counters -- mock meditators. That's who I am -- the asshole with the big mouth, putting down what he doesn't understand.

Cut to: Having realized that the way he is -- that who he is -- just doesn't work anymore, he suddenly finds himself in the very classes he once made fun of, trying to regain control of his life, to get out of his head for even just a few minutes, to learn how to deal with stress, to change how he eats, and even -- as "prissy" as it may have once sounded -- to add a touch of grace to his life.