"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Day 55: Trapped

Two months ago my ship was sinking. After a lot of fairly hard work I think I've managed to patch up most of the bigger holes, but now that I'm afloat I find myself without a rudder. I just kind of drift through my days. I watch what I eat, walk, attend exercise -- yoga -- and Tai Chi classes, watch a lot of movies, read, hang out with my boys (on the days they're here), work on my documentary and internet TV show, do a little web surfing, and sleep.

In a way I suppose that sounds like a lot. But you'll notice I don't say anything about seeing friends, or making love to beautiful women (or even ugly ones, for that matter). There's no mention of going to parties or traveling. Not a word about visiting family or meeting new people. Because I don't do any of these things. In a way I feel as though my life has become frozen in place, a kind of ice sculpture with me trapped inside of it.

What's weird is that this isn't anything new. It's been this way for a long time. Only before I had my depression to keep me from seeing it. Now that I've finally climbed out of that black hole and looked around, I see what my life really is. And though it's not horrible, by any means, it's just not enough.