"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

Day 36: Crazy Man Crazy

I sometimes hide from people how incredibly screwed up I am. People who know me know I'm depressed, of course, but only my best friend, Dave, knows the full extent of this depression. When I do open up to others about, say, my plan to kill myself when my kids go off to college, or maybe my intension to not seek medical help if I contract a deadly decease, they just get uncomfortable, as if they were in the presence of a crazy man. And, let's face it, in a way they are.

But at least I'm sane enough to recognize that I'm crazy.

On the days that my boys aren't with me I live with a loneliness that's so intense I can almost hear it. It's an actual presence here in my house. I long to share my life and love with a woman, but know I can't -- at least for now -- because my depression would only gain a firmer hold on me by eventually driving her away and breaking my heart. This is one of the many destructive patterns I've repeated over and over again throughout my life that have to stop if I have any chance of ever becoming a healthy, happy human being.

And in a way that's what the happiness project is all about. It's me taking one last stand against my demons, in an epic battle to become normal.