"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."


Thursday, June 08, 2006

Day Three: Eating Right

I had my first meeting with my nutritionist. I weighed in at 260 pounds, which means I've lost five pounds since I weighed myself a little over a week ago. Oddly, though, she measured my height at six feet three and a half inches. I'd always thought that I was only six feet two and a half inches. I had her measure me again, and it came out the same. Somehow in the last 25 years I've gained an inch. Sadly, however, my penis has shrunk an inch. So, in a way, I guess it all evens out. (By the way, is it normal for a nutritionist to measure a penis?)

At one point she took out these realistic rubber models of food - a hamburger patty, a banana, half a baked potato, etc. - and proceeded to show me the portions I should be eating at each meal. After I finished laughing and got up off the floor, she agreed to up them a bit.

Taking my height (tall), age (old) and body type (simian) into account, she calculated that I should weigh 220 pounds. Which actually sounds a little heavy to me. I think she's setting the bar low, so I'll feel like a success even if I don't get to my real goal of 200 pounds. I can see where she's coming from. I do the same thing when I masturbate. I imagine myself with an unattractive woman, say Janet Reno or Michael Jackson. That way if I score with a babe, I'm all the more thrilled.