"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Day One: A Letter To My Nutritionist

Dear Leslie,

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me over the phone this morning.

I am 54 years old. I weigh 165 lbs. I am six & 1/2 inches tall. I currently take no medications and have no diseases or physical ailments that I know of. I do, however, suffer from depression, which I'm sure is partially physiological (my mother is depressive and has undergone shock treatments), and partially psychological (I had an extremely dysfunctional childhood: beatings, poverty, alcoholism, etc.).

I am currently single and have not had sex for three years (at least not with another person in the room). I am compulsive and have an addictive personality, though I have never drank (or, of course, been drunk), or done drugs. I eat as a substitute for happiness.

In a typical day I would eat a large bowl of raisin bran (I just measured and it's a whopping 3 cups, which comes to 600 calories), with a banana and 2% milk (about a cup and a half - another 120 calories), around 7:00 in the morning. I often add a small handful of raisins to the bowl. I sometimes don't eat an actual lunch, but rather will snack on cookies (probably about 8 Oreos) and some potato chips. When I do eat lunch (maybe half of the time), I'll have another large (3 cup) bowl of a different kind of cereal (always something sugary), or a couple of hot dogs, or two tuna fish sandwiches (made with an entire can of tuna fish, a large dollop of Miracle Whip and some relish, on white bread) and a can of very rich soup. My current favorite soup is Progresso Chicken Cheese Enchilada. There are 380 calories in a can (that's supposedly two servings). It's actually in their Carb Monitor line (7 carbs per serving - 14 carbs per can), but that's not why I buy it. For a canned soup, it's really unbelievably good. I'll eat dinner between 5:00 and 7:00 pm. I eat fast food once a week with the boys (either Panda Express, Subway ((I get the meatball & mozzarella foot long)), or burgers (2 Whoppers or Big Macs). I sometimes make french toast (six pieces, lots of margarine and syrup), or chili dogs (2 hot dogs smothered with a can of chili), or the aforementioned tuna sandwiches and soup, or barbequed chicken (4 thighs) and Rice-a-Roni. These five meals (including fast food) probably constitute 75% of my evening meals. Later in the evening I'll have a large bowl of ice cream (2 cups?). If I stay up late, I'll have more cookies, or a bag of microwave popcorn with added melted butter (or both).

It's a wonder I'm not dead, right?

I do sometimes go off the deep end and eat until I'm nauseous. I will buy a dozen donuts and eat them in a day. I'll bake a frozen pie and eat it for dinner, along with a pint of ice cream. Really, the examples of this kind of eating are too numerous to mention. But they almost always have to do with sugar. I also drink a lot of diet soda, but beginning Monday plan on switching to bottled water.

Your mission, Leslie, if you decide to accept it, is the turn this disgusting, blubbery eating-machine into a slim, trim chick magnet. Are you up to it?

I'll see you Wednesday, and we'll get started.

Remember, a very wise man once said that "A trek of a thousand miles begins with eating a huge breakfast, packing a really good lunch, and planning on getting to a fantastic restaurant by nightfall."

your chubby client,