"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Monday, June 26, 2006

Day 21: All's Not Well

Three weeks have come and gone since I began this project, and so far the results are mixed. On the plus side, I've completely changed the way I eat. I'm losing weight and feeling much healthier. I walk at least half an hour every day and have joined a gym and started playing racketball again. Plus, I write a blog entry every morning, and have stopped watching TV during the day. I've also hired a personal trainer and yoga instructor (both of whom are currently on vacation), and actually - ta da! - started showering occasionally. I used to say "Life stinks." Come to find out, it was actually me.

On the negative side, I'm still paralyzed by anxiety, which keeps me from doing big things - like my taxes, and little things - like cleaning my house. It keeps me from meditating, starting new relationships, getting out of the house, and just plain being happy. Which presents me with what is surely the biggest irony of my life.

I believe that my anxiety can be traced back to my childhood, where I spent countless nights huddled under my blankets, ears plugged, trying to block out the savagery of the beatings my mother was taking right outside my door. I believe it can be traced back to the fact that the only time I can remember my mother even touching me when I was growing up was when she, in turn, beat me.

But I also believe in free will. I believe that I have the power to change. That I can overcome my childhood. That I can do the right thing. I'm betting that by slowly adding some discipline and structure to my life, and by getting my body into shape, my mind will follow, and I'll end up in a better place. And I know how wonderful that place will be. Because my heart is already there.