"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Saturday, June 24, 2006

Day 19: I'm Broken

As I sit here in my office typing this article, I find it a little hard to believe that anyone will actually read it. That's why I love it when people leave comments, or send me emails. Lately, though, when people contact me, it's clear that some of them either don't understand the Happiness Project, or they're unaware of how severely damaged I am. I'm sure that if I stuttered badly, and began the Stop Stuttering Project, these same people would write to me saying, "Concentrate, and try to speak more clearly." Or, in some cases, "Stop stuttering, you pathetic bastard!!"

More than one person has suggested that you can't buy your way out of your problems. That is, hiring experts is not the solution. For example, I shouldn't hire someone to clean my house, because I would be robbing myself of the satisfaction of cleaning it myself. Problem is -- I CAN'T CLEAN IT MYSELF. It's not that I won't eat right or exercise or meditate or do yoga or shower regularly or be more social. It's that I can't. "Just do it" might sell shoes, but it's a crappy human motivator.

Three years ago I tried to kill myself. I just went two years without drinking a drop of water. In the last few years I've taken a shower maybe once every six weeks. I haven't had a job or kissed a woman for years now. Believe it or not, I know what would make me happy. I know all of the things I should be doing to be a better person. For whatever reasons -- chemical, dysfunctional childhood, ingrained patterns of behavior, fuckupedness -- I just can't do them. Simply put, I'm broken.

So I'm hiring people to steer me in the right direction, to help me build some momentum in that direction. Right now my inertia is carrying me to places no one would willingly want to go. I'm hoping that by shocking my system, both physically and mentally, with the help of experts and professional motivators, I can turn that inertia around.

The bottom line is that you can't be strong without strength, and you can't get anywhere without knowing the way. So if I have to lean on others until I have the strength to live a normal life, and if I have to ask for directions along the way, so be it. That's the Happiness Project.