"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Monday, June 19, 2006

Day 14: Unlucky In Love - Part 2

The following is a letter emailed to the woman I wrote about yesterday. At times you will have to read between the lines, because there are references in it to comments she made in an email to me yesterday, as well as some things I talked about in my latest one-man show, "Happiness," (including referring to masturbation as "mowing my own lawn").


Thank you for writing. I have a lot to say to you, too. First of all I am so sorry for letting you down in an email. It was an act of cowardice. But also of self-protection. If I had tried to do it in person and you had tried to talk me out of it, you would have succeeded. Because I did (and in a way still do) long for you. And this was exactly what my friends were afraid of. I am so needy right now they worry that I will fall in love with the first person to come along, and that that person will be wrong for me. Perhaps disastrously so. Which is exactly what happened with "Patty." (I actually think they feel guilty for not having tried harder to stop that relationship.) I didn't call you for the exact same reason. My resolve was too weak to face a challenge from the very person I'm longing to kiss and fuck and fall in love with. And I did worry that you would go to the restaurant before getting my message. But you had answered my other messages the day I sent them, so I figured you checked your email at least once a day.

Part of me wanted to say "Wait for me." Even though I'm not going anywhere, even though we would actually be seeing each other, "Wait for me." But that was both unfair and unrealistic. No matter how much we assured each other that nothing would happen, it would. At least on my part. It would have also added the intoxicating element of taboo to the relationship. For me it would have been like fucking some sultry nun, or that hot first cousin I always had a thing for. This is also the reason I decided not to try and "just be friends." Who would I have been kidding? First chance I got I'd be on you like lies on Karl Rove. Also, you would have eventually started dating someone else and I would have been jealous, even though I would have had no right to be.

The whole situation was just fucked. So I took the easy (or at least less painful) way out.

Also, you overshadowed the journey I need to be on. My eye wasn't on the prize of happiness anymore, it was on the prize of your heart -- and, let's be honest, your ass. I knew I was in trouble when -- for the first time in years -- I mowed my own lawn imagining a specific person beside me, raking up the grass and putting it in a strange looking trash bag with a recessed tip.

My friends (one of whom was a woman) may not know you, but they do know me. They were only trying to protect me. Hell, if they had met you they might well have said, "Aw, fuck it. Go for it anyway."

This is all about bad timing. If it wasn't so clichéd I'd say that I'll look you up in six months, but by then I'm sure we will have both been carried to far distant shores. So I'll just say good luck. You're a good person, and I hope life gives you -- or you take from it -- everything you deserve.