"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."


Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Self-Medicating at the Supermarket

When I finished the first draft of my new show, "Happiness," I sat down and read it, and became totally depressed. Not only am I trite, I realized; I’m whiny and pedantic. I immediately got into my car and drove to Albertsons, where I bought two gallons of their generic chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, three bags of Doritos (the regular nacho cheese flavor), eight Butterfingers, and ten cherry Hostess fruit pies. Absolutely true. Do you remember when a Hostess fruit pie was 15 cents, by the way? I’m sorry to tell you this, but if you do, that means you’re officially old. They’re actually $1.19 now. Nickel candy bars are 65 cents. Which means that I’m not just a hack, I’m an over-the-hill hack. Actually, I bought so many of the pies because they were marked down to 60 cents. The Butterfingers were only a quarter. It’s sad when your idea of luck is getting your sugar-induced coma on sale.

By the way, you can always spot the unhappy people at the supermarket. The general rule is this: The more crap in your heart, the more crap in your cart.