"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Thursday, December 22, 2005

My Anxiety Bucket Runneth Over

I have this theory that we all have what I call an "anxiety bucket." Mine is almost always about three-fourths full. And when bad stuff happens in my life, it gets even more full. And when something really horrible happens, it actually overflows, and I go a little crazy. Which is what happened when I found out my wife was having an affair with this guy from her tennis club. I used to drive myself crazy imaging the two of them together.

In my mind, this asshole had thick, jet-black hair that started just above his eyebrows, and ended in one of those ponytails guys have that make you want to smack 'em. Really handsome, of course, with tanned, chiseled features. The cleft in his chin was so pronounced he could keep a spare tennis ball in there. He looked tough, too. The head of his penis actually had a tattoo of a Harley on it.

Trust me, there is no adversary more intimidating than one you've never seen.

Monday, December 19, 2005

This Is Not an Epiphany

I have lots of problems. I'm trite, self-righteous, depressive. One of the more embarrassing is that I tend to get really excited about insights I've had that apparently aren't all that insightful.

I was talking to a friend of mine recently about how much I love Raisin Bran, and I mentioned that I've never had less than, I'd say, ten boxes of raisin bran in my cupboards at any one time. I don't know why this is, but whenever I go to the store and Raisin Bran is on sale for, like, half price or less, I have to buy some. It doesn't matter how many boxes I already have at home. For some reason, I'm overcome with this fear that this could be the last week that Raisin Bran will ever be on sale again. I sometimes have over 20 boxes at home.

Anyway, at one point in this conversation a light bulb goes off in my head, and I say, "Hey, you know what, I bet the word "cupboard" comes from a board on which they used to put cups. It's a cup-board. Get it?"

Well, this guy, who's a good friend of mine, literally looks at me like I'm retarded, and says, "Yeah, Rick. Everybody pretty much got that by the time they were in the third grade."

Unfortunately, this happens to me a lot. The "apparently obvious" holds endless fascination me, as these excerpts from conversations I've had recently will show.

ME: "Do you realize that we're all going to die? That one day our memories will just disappear, and we'll stop seeing, and feeling and thinking, forever?!!!

FRIEND: "Yeah... What's your point?"

ME: "Think about it. We're all standing on a rock that's spinning in circles as it hurtles around a gigantic ball of fire!!!

FRIEND: "Duh!"

ME: "I can't believe it. The Beatles appeared on 'Ed Sullivan' 40 years ago!!!"

FRIEND: "Really? ...Seems like longer."

Monday, December 12, 2005

'Happiness' to Open February 4, 2006

I'm happy to announce that my new one-man-show, "Happiness," will be opening on February 4, 2006 at the Marsh Theater in San Francisco. I've been working on the show for about a year, and again it's an intense -- and hopefully funny -- confessional, this time about the past five years of my life. As you can no doubt guess, these were not good years.

The show is didactic, preachy, trite, self-absorbed and whiny. I think you'll like it. For now I'm calling it a workshop, and there will only be two performances a week, one on Saturday night, and another on Sunday night. I hope to see you there.

Oh, and if you're not boring or ugly, drop by and say "Hi" afterwards.

Ticket information.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

'Merry Christmas' vs. 'Happy Holidays'

The Fundamentalist Unrelenting Christian Kooks are at it again. This past week FUCK announced a boycott of retailers who refuse to use the word "Christmas" in their advertising, opting, instead, for the more inclusive phrase, "Holiday Season." Angry FUCK officials are demanding that these stores "put Christ back into consumerism," and have threatened to order their members to do this year's shopping at "real Christian stores" such as KKK-Mart, or their own internet retail store, ChristOnaStick.com.

"The word 'holiday' is a slap in the Lord's face," says FUCK president Hugh Grimwald. "First the devil came up with the idea of calling it 'Xmas,' now this. Next thing you know they'll want to call it 'Pigshit Day.'"

As a compromise, some retail chains have begun running ads for "huge, end-of-the-year Crutchmas sales." Personally, I think all of this is just silly. If you want Christ to be a part of your holiday, make him part of it. But if I'm not mistaken, Jesus was about love and tolerance, not threats and anger. Maybe these people should start acting on their beliefs, instead of shoving them down other people's throats.

As for me, I'm decorating my house, buying my kids tons of presents, and singing lots of holiday classics, including my favorite, "I'm Dreaming of a White Pigshit Day."