"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."


Wednesday, November 23, 2005

A Bad Case of Ensavioritis

It's easy to look at radical Muslims and decry their extremism. But the truth is that even your everyday garden variety Muslim looks upon us westerners as infidels. We are not the chosen people, and so will not be joining them in the afterlife. Which is a shame, because I understand the place is crawling with hot virgins.

Like it or not, Christians view the rest of the world with this same kind of arrogance. Christian leaders may talk of "inclusion" and hold photo ops with rabbis and clerics from around the world. But even as they smile and shake these men's hands, they believe that one day they will all be leaving for an extended vacation on Fire Lake.

It's right there in The Bible -- and not just in one verse, but several. Accepting Jesus as your savior isn't just one way to get into heaven, it's the only way. And as for those unfortunate billions who were born into cultures with belief systems different from our own? Well, they can just kiss our holy white asses!

Personally, I've always viewed Christianity as a mild form of retardation. Which is why I've coined the term "Cretard," a name for the followers of this bizarre cult. The Cretard's credo: "The mind is a terrible thing to use." Case in point -- the Cretard belief that Jews will go to hell is based on a book written by Jews.

Cretards believe that a man who rapes and kills women, who sexually molests hundreds of children, who lives a life of vile depravity, but who has accepted Jesus as his personal savior, will go to heaven. (By the way, thank you, God, for leaving that loophole open for me.)

Cretards also believe that a highly moral man -- a good husband and loving father who devotes his life to helping those more unfortunate than himself, but who has not accepted Jesus as his personal savior -- will go to hell. And I, for one, will spit on him on his way down.

By the way, if any of the above makes you angry, it may well be because you're Cretarded. You may have a condition of the brain called ensavioritis, which medical experts believe is caused by repeated exposure of the cranium to dark, damp spaces. They suggest a regiment of common sense and liquids. And, of course, getting your head out of your ass.