"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Monday, October 10, 2005

If Ann Landers Was Your Own Subconscious

Dear Ann:

A couple of years ago I discovered that my wife was haviing an affair. We broke up and I was devastated. Two of the people who helped me through this rough time were a young couple who lived next door. They would sit for hours and listen to my self-pitying tirades. That they did this without yawning or rolling their eyes is a testament both to their patience, and their good will.

Sadly, this couple recently broke up themselves, and it was my turn to comfort them. And though I only had one long talk with the husband, I had many such talks with his wife, who still lived next door. She was beside herself with grief and confusion. Over time I developed feelings for this sweet, injured woman, and we began to hang out as "just friends."

One night I took her out to dinner. She had put on makeup and was more "dressed up" than I had ever seen her. She looked great. On the way to the restaurant I began to feel as though we were on a real date, and that maybe there was a chance she could be attracted to me despite our age difference. Over dinner, though, she said, "I wonder if people think I'm your trophy wife. That you're this rich, older man with a cute, younger woman." I felt like a complete idiot.

After that I decided to stop hanging out with her, so that my feelings wouldn't deepen, eventually causing me pain and her embarrassment. She kept calling, though, and even wanted us to take a dance class together. Finally I wrote her a letter, telling her I couldn't see her any more, and explaining why. Now I find myself missing her companionship. Did I do the right thing?

Confused in California

Dear Confused:

You fucking piece of shit! When I think of some middle-aged, cradle-robbing pervert lusting after this poor, vulnerable girl, it makes me want to vomit! You shoud be ashamed of yourself. Why don't you try meeting women at funeral homes while you're at it? Or maybe there's a grade school in your neighborhood you could hang out at. God forbid you find a woman your own age who might challenge you intellectually. Do us all a favor -- die and rot in hell for eternity!