"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Friday, September 23, 2005

Peace of Mind

I wish I were younger. But why? The time between my youth and today was no picnic. Do I really want to live it all over again? Okay, then. I wish I were younger and happier. But really, given the explosive combination of my genes and the trauma of my childhood, personal happiness at any point in my life seems less likely than time travel itself. Well, what if I went back and started from the beginning, then? Unfortunately, I'd have the same genes and the same parents. History would only do what history does best. Repeat itself. What if I had different genes, different parents? Then I'd be a different person all together, and the one good thing in my life -- my boys -- would have never existed.

That's a good point. I do wish I were thinner, though. But why? I'm not so heavy that my health is in serious jeopardy, and I'm not looking to get laid. So what does it matter? Well, at least I wish I exercised more and ate less crap. But I hate exercise. And I love to eat. Dinner is almost always the high point of my day. I'd hate to think of my high point as a plate of tofu with a side of sprouts. Yes, but didn't I read once that exercising every day and eating right would add something like eight months to my life? That's true. But that's not eight months now, when I'm gorging myself in front of my big-screen TV; it's eight months at the very end of my life, when I'll be in diapers, eating mashed peas, trying to remember the name of the main character on Gilligan's Island.

Well, at the very least, I wish I had more money. But why? What is it you want that you don't already have? Nothing concrete, really. It's more about peace of mind. Have I ever had peace of mind? Well, not really. How about that year I made over a million dollars? Did I have peace then?

Okay, okay, I get it. I just wish I could accept me the way I am.

But why?