In Praise of Inanimate Objects

My DVD player welcomes me when I turn it on. My microwave encourages me to "enjoy my meal." My computer extols me to "have a good day." My wife has left me; I'm out of touch with my family; my friends have dwindled down to a precious few. Thank God my appliances haven't turned their backs on me.

After eating a meal out, even my check thanks me for my business. Who needs people when I have the love of inanimate objects? Besides, people are fickle. One day they'll say they love you; the next they'll tell you to "Shove your stupid record collection up your ass!"

Every person I know has let me down at some time or other. But Things are steadfast in their devotion. I've never caught my microwave thawing out someone else's rump roast. Its display never reads, "Why is everything always about you?" Best of all, it does what I fucking tell it too.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.