"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

Unintelligent Design

The most common argument for the existence of God is the argument by design. Which goes something like this (imagine I'm holding up a pocket watch):

"This watch didn't just suddenly come into existence. That's nonsense. It's extremely intricate, and was obviously designed. Therefore it had to be designed by somebody. Well, the intricacy of a watch pales compared to the intricacy of human life, right? Therefore somebody or something had to have designed us as well."

The current popular term for this is "Intelligent Design." Well, ignoring for the time being the specious logic of this argument, let's just ask ourselves if we are, in fact, all that intelligently designed.

Take procreation, for example. I have a hard time believing God sat up in heaven going, "Okay, let's see. They've gotta have sex in order to make babies, right? So let's have the man's little dangly thing there poke into that place where women don't have a dangly thing. It'll be painful, but luckily it won't last very long. Well, at least not for the man."

"Uh, sir, I've taken the liberty of naming the man's sexual organ the 'penis' and the woman's the 'vagina.' Also, I recommend that the act of sex be pleasurable, to ensure the survival of the species."

"I like it. Good thinking, Lucifer. You're gonna go far in this business."

"Also, sir, the penis appears to be a little too soft and pliable to be effectively inserted into the vaginal unit."

"Good point. Good point. Upon arousal the penis will harden. Huh?"

"Again, sorry to interrupt, but the vagina, as you in your infinite wisdom have designed it, is just a smidge too dry to facilitate insertion."

"I see. Upon arousal, the penis will harden, and the vagina will gush forth with a gooey green liquid that can be collected and used as a household cleaner."

"Interesting, but maybe a little too complicated. Why not have the vagina moisten just enough to make insertion possible?"

"Fine. Anyway, after several seconds of ecstatic pleasure, the immaculate will issue forth from the penis."

"Wait a minute, wait a minute. 'Immaculate,' I believe, is taken. Yes, here it is. We're using that to describe the birth of your son."

"Ah, yes. Little Theodore Christ. When was he to be born, again?"

"For the tenth time, Your Holiness, the birth is scheduled for the year Zero. Also, I thought we had agreed on the name Jesus."

"I don't like it. People will think he's Mexican. Anyway, in this stuff there will be millions of tiny little sperms. And just for the fun of it, lets have them all be blind and retarded. They'll swim around, bashing into the vaginal walls, totally confused. Ninety-nine-point-nine-nine percent will die before ever making it to the egg."

"You've outdone yourself again, sir."

What kind of a goofy system is that? In what way do millions of blind, retarded sperms indicate intelligent design? If I were God I'd have there be just one sperm, and it'd be huge. If you masturbated into a glass and looked in there, you'd see it swimming around like a big tadpole.