"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Saturday, August 20, 2005


According to a recent poll, 65 percent of Americans believe that the Biblical story of Noah’s Ark is factual, that it actually happened. Talk about feeling like I’m from another planet. I mean, on this planet there are 65 million species of animals. A ship large enough to hold two of each of them, plus enough food to feed them for 40 days, would be so unbelievably huge it would have taken an army of Noahs many lifetimes to construct. The entire notion is absurd.

Also, since Christians -- at least fundamentalist Christians -- believe that man and the world were created by God less than 10,000 years ago, they obviously have to reject the science of carbon dating, right? But since they can’t dispute the existence of fossil remains, not only do they have to believe in dinosaurs, they have to believe that they were still around fairly recently. In fact, Biblical scholars have postulated that one entire deck of Noah’s Ark was set aside just for dinosaurs. I’m not making this up! I do have one question, though. How do you get a Tyrannosaurus rex on a boat? Actually, I happen to have an answer for this one: Put two of everything it likes to eat on the boat first. That should take care of it. If you think about it, Noah’s Ark was basically a Tyrannosaurus rex buffet.

And what about birds? Can you imagine the mess that would have been made by two of every species of bird flying over this ark, perching wherever they could find room? Come on, think about it. You’ve got raptors and pterodactyls running around on a shit-covered boat the size of Rhode Island. Do you really think that happened? Really?

I actually consider Noah’s Ark to be the very first urban legend. In fact, if the Bible were written today, I’m sure the story would be very different. For example, you might have some New Yorker flush two of every animal down the toilet, where they could survive in the sewer system until the flood was over. Richard Gere could shove two of every animal up his ass. Really, the possibilities are endless.