"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Don't Know Much About Debauchery

I've only been to a strip club once. Turns out, I'm not a big fan. For one thing, I find it very frustrating to be sexually aroused in a room with a naked woman I'm not allowed to disappoint. I also don't like the idea of being horny with other horny men sitting all around me, especially in a room with bright colors and flashing lights. It's gross. It's like being in a bad episode of Pee Wee's Playhouse.

The guy who took me to this club is a friend of mine I'll call Mij. I'm sure he'd be embarrassed if I used his real name, so I've gone to the trouble of spelling it backwards. Mij is what I would call a sex addict. Not only does he own a lot of video porn, he has actually -- and I swear this is true -- tracked down some of his favorite porn actresses and paid them to have sex with him. He once showed me this chest he's got that's full of sex toys. It was unbelievable. My favorite was this battery-operated dildo with a little attachment at the top to stimulate the clitoris. Now, I've actually only seen two dildos in my life. One was given to me as a gag gift -- no pun intended -- and the other was this monstrosity from Mij's chest.

And when you flicked this switch on the thing, the -- what I can only hope is a grossly-oversized -- model of a penis begins to slowly rotate in slow circles, while the little attachment on top vibrates back and forth very quickly . It's actually kind of fun to try to do both at the same time, using your two forefingers. It's like patting your head and rubbing your tummy. Try it right now. It's also a fun activity you can share with the kids.

Another reason I don't like strip clubs is that they make you feel like an idiot. The one time I went I was sitting at this table, nursing a six-dollar Diet Coke, when this scantily-clad woman walks up and asks if I'd like a private dance. The first thing that struck me when it happened was that this woman didn't look -- how can I put this? -- scuzzy. She looked, you know, average. The second thing that struck me was that she really wanted to give me a private dance. Out of all the gross, desperate, horny men in this room she had chosen me! Because, well frankly, there's something special about me. And though she has to take money for the dance, because that's her job, she'd do it for free if she could. 'Cause she likes me. No, no, I can tell, she really likes me!