"I guess I have a lot of problems, so many that I don't have time to go into them all in detail. Suffice it to say I'm anal, obsessive, vain, quick to temper, overly introspective, lazy, judgmental, insecure, and self-righteous. Probably the most annoying thing about me is that I'm hugely opinionated. But I kind of make up for that by always being right."

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Hope for the Spiritually Challenged

It turns out that not being religious is a real handicap in this life, especially when it comes to happiness. That’s why sometimes late at night now, when I’m feeling particularly grandiose, I imagine creating a religion for spiritually challenged people like me. I mean, really, why is it that every religion that’s ever existed has been so full of these unbelievable stories, and this convoluted dogma, and these awful threats to keep people in line? Why can’t there be a religion that doesn’t have any of that crap? A religion that combines compassion with common sense. A religion without fear or trembling. A religion called… “The Church of Rick.”

When I was a kid, my mom made me go to church every Sunday. And I have to admit I kind of miss the sense of community that gave me growing up. Today I don’t know any of my neighbors. None. I mean, I’ll wave at them as I walk out to my car, but that’s it. Of the almost 60,000 people living in my town I know maybe a dozen. The other day I read in the paper that there are 53 registered sex offenders living here. I don’t know any of them! Hell, I didn’t even know we had to register.

What I remember most about church, though, is how boring it was. Which is odd, considering the source material. I mean, think about it, you’ve got burning bushes that talk, floods, wars, miracles. Have you ever read the Bible? I have, and I’ll tell you, it’s like one of those old serials, moving from one cliff-hanger to the next. “Is this the end for Jesus?! Join us next week to see if our hero can escape ‘The Brutal Crucifixion!’” [More...]